Post by Adesanya Ayotola (@adesanya_ayotola)

THE THREE PARTS OF MARRIAGE

This is a conclusion I have come to, not because i believe it is absolute, but because it is a pattern i have observed, studied, and reflected on over time. Marriage has three distinct parts. Until we understand the difference between them, we will continue to mix them together and in doing so, create unnecessary conflict.

THE FIRST PART IS THE MARRIAGE ITSELF.

Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman. At its heart are love and submission. These are often presented as gender-specific responsibilities in the biblical design of marriage, yet they are ultimately two sides of the same coin. You will naturally submit to the one you truly love and genuine submission itself is an expression of love. Submission is not subversion. It is not the loss of identity or value. It is the voluntary yielding of one's will in the interest of order, unity and purpose. That is why Scripture can also say, "Submit yourselves one to another." Love without humility becomes control. Submission without love becomes oppression. Both are incomplete without the other.
This is also why choosing your spouse wisely matters. Attraction may begin the journey but it cannot sustain it. Mental compatibility, emotional balance, shared values, and a similar or at least complementary Understanding of life are essential. Two people do not have to be identical but they should not be fundamentally opposed in the things that matter most.

THE SECOND PART IS THE HOME.

Here, the conversation changes. It is no longer primarily about gender; it is about availability, capacity, and mutual support. Cooking, cleaning, paying bills, fixing things, earning income, or managing the household are not competitions or favors. They are responsibilities carried for the good of the family. Whoever is best positioned to carry a responsibility at a given time should do so, knowing that the home belongs to both of them. A healthy home is built by partnership, not scorekeeping. Included in this are the agreed principles and boundaries that are necessary to preserve the home, from every and anything that seeks to divide the home.

THE THIRD PART IS PARENTING.

Raising children requires two things: provision and presence. Money alone cannot raise a child and neither can presence without provision. Both are indispensable. Whether one parent is providing financially while the other is investing more time in daily care or both are sharing both responsibilities, neither contribution is greater than the other. They are different expressions of the same commitment: raising healthy, secure and responsible children.

When we fail to distinguish between these three parts of marriage, we often apply the wrong expectations to the wrong situations. We become emotional where we should be practical and practical where we should be compassionate.

CLARITY CHANGES CONVERSATIONS.

Finally, how these principles are lived out will differ from family to family. Class, culture, personality, preferences, seasons of life and environment will shape the practical expression of these responsibilities. The principles will remain but their application will never look exactly the same in every home. Perhaps many of our arguments about marriage are not because we disagree on the destination but because we have confused the different roads that lead there.

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